Thursday, June 16, 2011

Ten Ways Anthony Weiner Is Looking to Contribute His Talents

New York Congressman Anthony Weiner resigned today, and probably wishes he had emailed it in, with a heckler shouting over his resignation speech "bye, bye pervert" and "are you more than seven inches?".

That leaves Anthony Weiner with the pressing need for a new job. In the spirit of "most importantly so that I can continue to heal from the damage that I have caused" here are a few suggestions for Anthony:

(1) Caddy for Barack Obama at the big golf outing this Saturday. Yes, Joe Biden and John Boehner will also be happy to let you pick up their balls.

(2) Bus driver for Sarah Palin tours. I'm sure she'll let you run over everyone who threw you under the bus, from Debbie Wasserman Schultz to Nancy Pelosi to Barack Obama.

(3) Cohost of the expanded Weiner Spitzer show on CNN. If Elliot won't let you come first, offer to subtitle the show In the Arena with Client Number 9 and the Weiner Tweeter.

(4) UPS online package delivery specialist in Sandy Springs, Georgia. No, you may not name your package Sandy.

(5) Fedex online package deliver specialist. I feel I should tell you this as gingerly as possible, the company headquarters is in Memphis not Nashville.

(6) Delaware high school sex education teacher. Some advice: leave all the children behind.

(7) Whatcom Community College professor. However, you may not call yourself Dr. Weiner and start your classes by announcing "the Doctor is in". Just tell yourself this gets you back to Washington (OK, state not district).

(8) Las Vegas roulette croupier. You already know Weiner Roulette: load all six barrels with sext messages, send to different women, spin the week and repeat. No, you will not be assigned the wheel near the blackjack table.

(9) Feature dancer. You have been a House Dancer, so Feature Dancer is a step up. Work the pole for the tip and don't give your lap dances away for free.

(10) CEO of 1*800*GOT*JUNK. You may have to start at the bottom and with a little manual labor work your way up.

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