Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The Candy Question at the CNN Town Hall Debate

Candy Crowley on her role as moderator in advance of Tuesday’s Presidential town hall style debate:
“I understand that I’m there. I’m not a fly on the wall. We don’t want the candidates to spout talking points. That doesn’t help voters … I’m going to react organically to what’s happening.”
Candy Crowley: We’ve had a lot of great questions tonight on the economy, women’s rights, and foreign policy. Our next question comes from Charles, a blogger from Massachusetts.

Charles: I’m worse off than I was 4 years ago. My favorite candy is Dark Chocolate M&Ms, you know, the ones that come in the purple package. They came out in 2005, at the height of the boom.

Candy Crowley: Those are OK, I really love the Coconut M&Ms in the silvery-white package.

Governor Romney: I can’t eat chocolate, because it has caffeine. But I want you to know that I’m prochoice when it comes to chocolate. I mean prolife. Yes, I’m definitely prolife, I support the value of life when it comes to chocolate for those not in the 47%. I mean 100%, of Americans citizens that is, no chocolates for you illegal aliens, unless you self-deport, or mow my lawn.

President Obama: Candy, you’re my favorite candy. (winks)

Candy Crowley: (giggles like a schoolgirl, then turns suddenly serious) … So, Governor Romney, would you ban chocolate if you are elected President? Would you require chocolate purchasers to show their photo IDs and birth certificates?

Governor Romney: There's no legislation with regards to chocolate that I'm familiar with that would become part of my agenda. Certainly I would sign a Constitutional amendment banning all caffeine products if one happened across my desk, if my signature were required for such amendments, which it isn’t. My campaign will have a clarifying statement tomorrow morning.

Candy Crowley: Can we get back to Charles, I think he might have more to his question coming, and it better not contain the words, “sausage or pepperoni?”

Charles: Thanks. It’s now 4 or 5 years into the great recession, and I can’t find Dark Chocolate M&Ms anywhere. C’est Bon, CVS, Tommy’s Lunch, The Market, the closed 7-Eleven, Shaw’s, Gourmet Express, the defunct White Hen Pantry, Sarah’s Market - all no longer carry Dark Chocolate M&Ms.

Candy Crowley: (interrupts) Did you see what I did there? I win the free Pizza Hut pizzas for life. Just thinking about that makes me hungry. Governor?

Governor Romney: This is a failure of President Obama’s foreign policy. President Obama’s apologetic diplomacy in Côte d'Ivoire led to 40% of the world’s cocoa crop falling into the hands of Al Qaeda and they are selling this essential ingredient for making chocolate to Iran in violation of President Obama’s unexceptional sanctions policy. This would never have happened if I had been President, or Hillary.

President Obama: (rolling eyes Joe Biden style) I just want to remind you that the recession is not so great as it would have been and it began during the term of my predecessor who must not be named.

Charles: Yes, he was a Dark Lord, but then I could buy Dark Chocolate M&Ms whenever I wanted. Mr. President, you promised that under your plan I could keep my current candy?

President Obama: You should try the Raspberry M&Ms or the Coconut M&Ms that were introduced in June after review by Elizabeth Warren’s Candy Factory Prevention Bureau and approval by First Lady Michelle Obama’s healthy food stamps initiative.

Governor Romney: That’s the problem, you try to pick winners and losers, but you only pick losers, the bad candy that trick-or-treaters sort out when forced to share with their little brothers. Why, I have seen Anderson Cooper’s repeated reports on CNN about a veterans group that was donated a truckload of excess Coconut M&Ms that it could find no use for.

Candy Crowley: (muttering) Anderson Cooper, must eat Coconut M&Ms. (runs off stage)

Anderson Cooper: (offstage) Candy, what? Agh. Agh.

Piers Morgan: (offstage) No, Candy, No. Anderson Cooper is not a silvery-white package of Coconut M&Ms. Erin, where’d you come from? No, no no …

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