Thursday, October 16, 2008

25 Cynical Reasons to Vote for Barack Obama

I have watched all the debates, seen all the ads, read all the emails, and viewed all the YouTube videos and now I have all the reasons I need:

(1) John McCain said in the debate last night that he would end ethanol subsidies. He also said that in the debate last week, so that’s twice and I know he means it. That would be devastating to the farm economy and the new ethanol industry and send the wrong signal to others developing alternative energy sources. I’m selfishly thinking about the corn farmers I know in Southwest Iowa and workers at the new ethanol plants in Corning and Shenandoah.

(2) Barack Obama is offering the best tax cut. I checked the numbers myself. Joe the Plumber, you should talk to Mary the Tax Accountant. If the Democrats want to pander to me by offering tax cuts, that’s behavior I want to encourage.

(3) Today in Massachusetts our Democratic Governor Deval Patrick, who many say Barack Obama used as a model for his candidacy, announced $1 billion in state spending cuts in anticipation of falling state tax revenues due to the slowing economy. They can’t go back to the era of big government even if they want to, we just can’t afford it.

(4) I got an email today from the Republican Party saying that “responsible Republican policies of cutting taxes and reining in out-of-control pork-barrel spending are what our economy needs to spur growth and create jobs.” If the Democrats are going to cut taxes and cut spending, why do we need a Republican Party? The Blue Dogs will protect the true conservative values. Maybe Leonard Boswell will be the next House Speaker.

(5) If Barack Obama is elected, we can blame everything back to 2006 on Nancy Pelosi. And, yes, blame George Bush too. If the Democrats screw things up any worse we can always send the Republicans right back to Congress in 2010. Remember 1994? The Democrats have every incentive to do a good job to keep the Republican Party unnecessary.

(6) If John McCain were elected, he would be the designated fall guy for everything Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid do wrong. If he is not elected, John McCain can spend his golden years with his beautiful wife and family. He has served his country long and well. We should do right by John McCain.

(7) Sarah Palin truly is, as John McCain put it last night, a “bresh of freath air” but vice fall gal would be a career ender. Sarah can go home and get some foreign policy experience as President of the Alaska Independent Republic her husband wants her to declare. I’ll look forward to the Palin-Pretraeus ticket in 2012 and the Palin-Jindal ticket in 2016. After Barack Obama appoints 3 or 4 Supreme Court Justices, it will be safe to vote for Sarah Palin.

(8) The Sarah Palin show isn’t over until we see her in the same room as Tina Fey. Hey, say what you will about Sarah Palin, but she finally got the Not Ready for Prime Time Players from Saturday Night Live a slot in prime time. As the song says, the memory of all that, no they can’t take that away from me. If I want to see a Palin Obama debate, voting for Barack Obama is the only way.

(9) Forget Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Is it believable that Barack Obama sat there and listed to his sermons for 20 years without realizing the anti-American things he was saying? Yes it is, as anyone who has sat through a church sermon or two would know. Anyway, Barack Obama has gotten Wright to shut up, and he got Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and Louis Farrakhan to shut up too.

(10) Forget the Weatherman Bill Ayers. If Richard Nixon couldn’t catch him and Ronald Reagan couldn’t be bothered to prosecute him, why should we care 40 years later? By the way, the “kill him” chants at the Republican rallies are directed at Ayers. That’s not right, but they’re welcome to spend the next 8 years picketing him at his place of work, the University of Illinois at Chicago. They can call in all the protesters from the abortion clinics around the country, settle in for the duration, and call it the “Years of Rage.” Get on it Sean and Rush.

(11) Forget Tony Resko. The average politician wanting to buy a house with an adjoining lot he couldn’t afford would have borrowed the extra money from a half-broke bank on the way to a taxpayer bailout. Barack Obama just got Tony to buy the lot next to his house on the guy’s own nickel. And now Tony Resko will likely be forced to sell to the Secret Service for at or below cost.

(12) If Barack Obama is going to win anyway, running up the score will erase Bill Clinton from the record books. And you can shame John Kerry and Al Gore too.

(13) If Barack Obama turns out to be a secret socialist mole, at least it will be Swedish we’ll be learning and not Russian or German. I am worried that the new housing commissar will commandeer my Cambridge condo for underutilization. My plan is to recruit a couple of Swedish au pairs to take the spare bedroom. All I’m looking for is a hedge against socialism and a little light housework. Worst case: I want to be able to pass the lie detector test so I don’t have to go to the reeducation camp.

(14) If, as Iowa Congressman Steve King suggests, the terrorists come out and celebrate in the streets, we can use the opportunity to pick them off with snipers.

(15) After we withdraw from Iraq and Afghanistan (in victory, don’t you dare say in defeat), the terrorists won’t follow us home any more than the Viet Cong followed us home from our victory in Vietnam (you thought we lost, they’re making our underwear). Al Qaeda will go to Europe and recruit among Europe’s disaffected Muslim minorities. Europe, you should have had our back in Iraq. Or you should have talked us into not going. Karma is funny that way. Ha ha ha ha ha.

(16) Electing Barack Obama will completely undercut what the French are trying to do in Africa. Vote for Obama and stick it to the French.

(17) Electing Barack Obama will really stick it to Putin too. The Soviets spent the whole Cold War trying to divide Western Europe and America, so the last thing Russia wants is for America and Europe to kiss and make up. Did you notice how Putin’s move on Georgia helped McCain?

(18) Barack Obama is not about to sell out Israel to Iran. Yes, he plans to sit down for tea with Ahmadinejad. But I have it on good authority that Obama’s secret plan is to poison the tea with iocane powder which Obama has spent the last several years building up an immunity to. We can’t afford another land war in Asia.

(19) When Barack Hussein Obama becomes President, all Islamic religious fatwas against American are retroactively revoked and the dead suicide attackers will all have to give back their 40 virgins. He doesn’t even have to be Muslim, all that matters is that his name contains Hussein. It’s in the Koran, I checked it myself.

(20) Thank you to Sarah Silverman for pointing out the need for a positive mental attitude: If it makes it easier, you don’t have to think about it as voting for a black guy. Just think of it as voting for a rich half-white guy. It’s OK to laugh, she has a show on Comedy Central.

(21) Would a national health plan really be so bad? Life is a preexisting condition.

(22) Sean Hannity will have to rename his Fox show, “Colmes and Hannity.” Remind me to forward this email to Alan Colmes.

(23) Barack’s nickname is Barry, and President Barry is just too funny, almost as good as President Dirk.

(24) Voting for Barack Obama for all the wrong reasons is turning out to be more fun than voting for John McCain for one or two right reasons.

(25) You can tell your grandkids you voted for Barack Obama in lieu of sending them Christmas presents. That works for nieces and nephews too.

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