Michael Moore - "But I really believe that even if we had better gun control laws and better mental health, that we would still be the sort of sick and twisted, violent people that we've been for hundreds of years." Get on the boat.
Other Blowhard Pontificators - Rachel Maddow, you can stay if you can trick Chris Matthews, Lawrence O'Donnell, Ed Schultz, and Al Sharpton into getting on the boat. The deal is we'll slip Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh on too.
Oprah and Ellen - Can stay. I just wanted to get that out of the way.
Barbra Steisand - Let's face it, Barbra, you jumped the shark in 1981 with your Golden Raspberry nominated role in All Night Long. It was all downhill from there: Yentl, The Prince of Tides, The Mirror Has Two Faces. Time has exposed The Way We Were, your supposedly great opus with Robert Redford, to be nothing but an apology for Stalin's crimes and date rape. And, you ruined the two Focker sequels. Bye Bye Babs.
Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock - Don't think of this one-way trip as being raped from the country of your birth but as a legitimate gift from God.
Joe Biden - Enough said. Barack and Hillary, just tell Joe the trip is for a foreign dignitary's funeral, and then don't let him back in.
Sean Penn - You say no one in your life of romance has ever loved you, but you blew your multiple chances with
Alec Baldwin - You were safe until 30 Rock jumped the shark. If it's any consolation, you can play Piers in the movie Piers' Ark.
Karl Rove - You're taking James Carville, Paul Begala, and Dick Morris with you.
Arianna Huffington - Are you still here? Well, it's time to go.
Bill Maher - I know you wouldn't want to be left off this list. You get to take along your old guests Ann Coulter, Janeane Garofalo, and Christine O'Donnell.
Oh, by the way, Canada isn't far enough, if that's what you were thinking. Your destination is Afghanistan. The boat will let you off in Tartus, Syria and you can walk the 3800 kilometers from there. I'm told Iraq and Iran are pretty this time of year.